I haven’t written for a
while, since my last post my mental health has been slowly declining and I
haven’t been doing that well. I haven’t expressed my thoughts and feelings
through this for a while as I was afraid that it would ruin any chances of a
future opportunity, it only lately I have realised that being not honest with myself which
in turn was preventing me from progressing.
I’m not going to be so
totally honest as a girl’s got to have some secrets!
I’m going to start talking
about volunteering, as if you have a look at the instagram column you will see
that I have been volunteering at the BDA Congress which was great fun and helped me
with my anxiety as I was really scared about going and volunteering with people
I have never met before and meeting new faces.
As always overthinking made
me feel anxious and slightly sick, in hindsight I do feel a bit daft as
everyone was lovely, friendly and always happy to lend a hand. One person kept
checking on me often and I wasn’t sure if she could tell how is as really inside.
I tried to put on a face for
5 days when inside I was so sad and at times teary, I am not sure if I was successful
in pretending but I must have been. At times I felt like I was overcompensating
as I couldn’t stop talking then I would be very quiet. It took al my energy in getting out of bed
and going to breakfast to see people.
I had a small panic attack
before the main gala but a friend talked me through it and I had fun. I am glad
I was some people who were lovely and it helped me to relax, I still opted to
go to bed early, as I needed my sleep.
I still would like to go back
to Torquay for a mini holiday as I had never been before and the places looked
stunning.
A late night snap
I had a long think on my
journey home and have decided that I will be cutting down on volunteering this
year as the volunteering I did at the start of the year took a lot out of my
emotionally and mentally wise and I don’t want to have a breakdown again as it
happened twice during the first 6 months this year.
I wouldn’t have got through
it without my mentor who has been a rock and a great help in my recovery. If I
didn’t have my mentor, I doubt I would have got the confident to finally make
an appointment with healthy minds, so let see how that goes.
I also went back to
counselling at the university but it didn’t really work for me so I have
stopped the sessions and am exploring alternative ways to express myself.
I am aware that some people
like my family and friends might be surprised at how badly I have been doing
this year, as all I have done was to pretend that everything was fine.
‘I’m fine’
‘I’m okay’
‘I’m good’
‘I’m doing okay’
And the list goes on.
Honestly? I am nowhere near
any of the excuses I have given but I am slowly reaching the bottom rung of the
ladder and am trying to pull myself up. Sometimes I manage to get a hold then
it slips out of my hand and I have to keep on trying again.
This year hasn’t been the
best year and the last few months had been extremely difficult. A childhood friend of mine went missing and
was found in a river, I still don’t know why she was there- people keep
speculating and that just made me feel worse.
I cannot say everyone feel the same but I do know what it is like to
feel like that there is no way out, that there isn’t a ray of hope to clutch on
and not being sure whether to trust that there is help in case it is taken
away.
I really do wish this was a
happier post, I hope that the next one I write will be tad more positive.
Fact: I don’t like it if
people talk to me or touch me before I’ve had my coffee.
