It doesn't matter, I'm ok.

If you ever say to a Deaf person that it doesn’t matter, they will get rather frustrated and in some cases angry wanting to know what has been said.

When a clinically depressed person say it doesn’t matter to someone, it’s just left there hanging in the air the unspoken words yearning to be said out aloud. It just is left in this heavy box that seem to grow, weighing more and more on the shoulders, the chest making it so hard just to exhale deeply.

With the pressure of just breathing makes it feel like drowning, that it’s so difficult to break through that surface to inhale.

I’ve been struggling a lot, for what feels like eons, I have days where I cry a lot, days where I feel so bad, days where I would do anything to take away the pain. Days where I would do anything are the worse it’s like Atlas trying to hold the earth up daily and not having anyone to help to take that pain away for just a while.

It can be very hard for me to talk, to reach out and say ‘I’m having a hard time’ to people and sometimes I get ignored, or the topic get changed or that something will cheer me up which leave me feeling like all the time I’ve talked about myself, pushing myself to say something dismissed with careless words. I constantly feel like I’m on my own.  That I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me fight this massive Dementor that slowly eats away at my soul and leave me feeling cold, unloved everyday, never being able to feel that I can be warm again, that I can experience love and joy.

I see people putting posts on social media about suicide awareness and more than often the helplines numbers listed are for the wrong countries, inaccessible for Deaf people, or a photo saying it is okay to talk or when someone do reach out they just pretend it’s not happening as it is just pressing SHARE to show that they are there for you.. Like most of the social media posts we see are just bullshit, big complete bunch of crap.

I often put on social media information about people with mental health and how we all can help in some ways, I keep saying that a text, a video call, or even coffee and cake with an offer to listen can make a big difference to the person who is suffering, to make them feel less alone, to let them know they will always be in their corner with a punch or two ready when needed. 

At each post I always say I like coffee and cake and yet no one ever say to me- Hey D, would you like some coffee, some cake and do you want to talk? I’m happy to listen.’ 

People I interact with don’t really notice how I feel, I don’t expect them to micro analyse everything I say or do but a simple ‘how are you’ would be a start. At times I feel like people forget that depression isn’t for a set period of time, or that seeing a therapist/taking tablets doesn’t mean I am coping. 

Being in a crowd can be really lonely, and at times I talk too much, I’m way too opinionated because I don’t know what to do, what to say to fit in, to make people feel comfortable with me.

I try to talk, people will often nod their heads then start watching other people’s conversations ignoring me maybe this isn’t on purpose but it hurt when I’m trying and I see their eyes glaze over and look somewhere else. 

It hurt when I realise they have made plans that doesn’t include you then invite you as an afterthought without any details. 

It hurt when at the end of the night you’re left alone to get a taxi home. 

It hurt when no one helps when I’ve realised I’ve forgotten my keys. 

It hurt when I’m sat at a bus stop crying and a stranger, not a friend try to comfort me. 

It hurt just being asked if I'm okay when it is clear I am not.

It hurt when someone offers to listen and ignore me.

It hurt when I build up the courage to say I’m struggling and get told to cheer up.

It hurt every single damn day when I blame myself for not being the way people want me to be, when I doubt myself, or when I’m trying to work out what am I doing wrong that people don’t realise and say something.

It hurts when I pick up the phone to call for help and get fucking hung up on.  Even when I’m writing this I’m thinking about how to spare people’s feelings, how to make them feel comfortable around this basket case loony.

And that is why I will always continue to pretend that I’m fine even when it hurts and I feel like I’m drowning but to make people feel better I will always say ‘Yes, I’m ok’.

It doesn't matter, I’m ok… 

Pre-Christmas madness

In my last blog I spoke about books, since then I have purchased about 10 more to read!

I’ve been busy getting ready for Christmas, first up was a food show in Birmingham. A friend came over to stay with me for the weekend bringing the whiskey from Dublin that I won in October, cracked one open and made hot toddies which was deelish.

BBC Good Food Show is an annual event happening twice a year in London, Glasgow and Birmingham. It is how it sounds.. full of good food! There are hundreds of food stands selling various foods from fresh meat to weird flavours of popcorn.

            I attended with a group of lovely ladies, first up was a demo by the dishy Paul Hollywood and the glam Mary Berry. There was a BSL interpreter on the stage but I found it hard to understand her, she was a bit slow and missed out a lot of important information such as the name of the dishes!  It was fun to watch both Paul and Mary bantering away making lovely looking stuff such as a cake with strawberry, a plaited bread (like I said the interpreter missed out the names so I haven’t got a clue!)

            The rest of the day was spent eating samples and more eating! At the food show there is also MANY alcohol stands offering wee samples of their drinkware such as 21 years old rum to toffee vodka and also wines from different countries. I must confess that after drinking quite a few I gave up on tasting and drank all the samples in sight!

            I came away quite tipsy! I later on went to a bar in Birmingham town for a few drinks and a natter before hitting bed knackered as hell.  The local cinema was showing Nativity 2:Danger in the Manger, which Welshie and I went along to, I have to say it put me in a great Christmassy mood as it was really funny and I was giggling my head off.

Birmingham is home to the biggest German Markets at Christmas, I like looking around and buying wee stuff as well partaking warm alcohol, I LOVE anything mulled and will drink them gladly!

I also attended a fun Christmas meal with a university society. It was nice to see people and have a chat; the following week a bunch of us went bowling which I surprisely did well! Some people can be quite TOO competitive! (Tired, my arse!)

            I have been preparing Christmas presents for the family, every year the family are getting quite harder to buy for. I have been receiving some lovely handmade cards, which was very cool! I am not very creative when it comes to doing artsy whatnot but I make up for it in different ways. I sent out Christmas postcards instead of cards (YES postcards!) You can get these from Paperchase and they are more fun than commercial cards, but I also did get a packet of cards from Cancer Research for other people.

            Last year I didn’t send out cards, I donated £20 to Shelter instead as there are many people who are homeless at wintertime and with the crap weather (thank you Global warming) it has been quite difficult for us to prepare for the erratic weather let alone the people with no homes.

So this year I sent out cards and donated again to Shelter and to Refuge as well.       Why a domestic violence charity? When there is a domestic violence situation happening behind closed doors, it tend to get worse around Christmas and many women need a safe haven as well for their children. Some men also face violence from their partners as well.

If you would like to find out more information about each charity and donate (please!) the links have been provided just clock on the name of the charity.

I know many people who love Christmas and see it as a joyous time but spare a thought for the people who dread Christmas for many reasons, they could be living on the streets, in an unsafe home or are alone.

            I’m sure many people are aware of the film ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. This film is a classic and it is about a man who think about committing suicide at Christmas and an angel show him what life would have been like if he was never born.

            Sadly a high percentage of people commit suicide at Christmas and many of those are depressed and alone.  They can contact The Samaritans at any time by picking up a phone and someone will answer 24/7. What about Deaf people? 

I once contacted The Samaritans when I was a very low point, I emailed them and it took them 5 hours to get back to me.

            I took an overdose washed down with some rum. Thankfully, I was okay. This is what made me realise that I needed some help.

If what some other deaf person did this and didn’t want to wait? In that space of 5 hours anything could happen. The website say they are working on providing a SMS and online helpline so fingers crossed this will happen soon!

I have been doing well with my new tablets, one side effect of taking them is that I don’t really feel anything. It can be quite weird feeling numb but in a strange way it help as it mean I can get out of bed and be able to do things without feeling like I am useless.

            I have had several people telling me that tablets aren’t the best way to help myself. Right now they work for me as I have PCOS, which affect the hormone levels so the tablets do help me for now. I also have IBS, which is a horrible digestive condition that can make me ill and affect the way I feel (I know! So many medical issues).

 Let not forget that there isn’t much help e.g. counselling/therapy whatever out there for a Deaf person. People who suffer from depression response to treatments in different ways, for some it could be going to the gym, or doing things they love.

Someone recently asked me what he or she could do to help someone they know who is depressed.

Excellent question! My answers is related to myself, other people might feel different

1-    Don’t HELP, Support them instead!

2-    Offer a listening ear (or a watching eye!)

3-    Don’t question the reasons why they are depressed, or why they are feeling down, as it could be trivial to you but important to them.

4-    Let them know you are there for them.

“If you know someone who's depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the otherside. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do. ”

Stephen Fry (Bipolar disorder)

But it is also important for you to feel you are able to support your friends/family, do not feel you have to be responsible for the person and if you are worried, you can contact the Samaritans or alternative support groups for advice. Such as http://www.depressionalliance.org

http://new.papyrus-uk.org

http://www.bigwhitewall.com
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and_alternative_care/how_to_help_someone_who_is_suicidal

Time for me to shush up now :D

Feel free to contact me on bookygeeky@gmail.com if you want to ask private questions or just to talk

Fact: Mulled cider is my favourite warm drink.