It doesn't matter, I'm ok.

If you ever say to a Deaf person that it doesn’t matter, they will get rather frustrated and in some cases angry wanting to know what has been said.

When a clinically depressed person say it doesn’t matter to someone, it’s just left there hanging in the air the unspoken words yearning to be said out aloud. It just is left in this heavy box that seem to grow, weighing more and more on the shoulders, the chest making it so hard just to exhale deeply.

With the pressure of just breathing makes it feel like drowning, that it’s so difficult to break through that surface to inhale.

I’ve been struggling a lot, for what feels like eons, I have days where I cry a lot, days where I feel so bad, days where I would do anything to take away the pain. Days where I would do anything are the worse it’s like Atlas trying to hold the earth up daily and not having anyone to help to take that pain away for just a while.

It can be very hard for me to talk, to reach out and say ‘I’m having a hard time’ to people and sometimes I get ignored, or the topic get changed or that something will cheer me up which leave me feeling like all the time I’ve talked about myself, pushing myself to say something dismissed with careless words. I constantly feel like I’m on my own.  That I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me fight this massive Dementor that slowly eats away at my soul and leave me feeling cold, unloved everyday, never being able to feel that I can be warm again, that I can experience love and joy.

I see people putting posts on social media about suicide awareness and more than often the helplines numbers listed are for the wrong countries, inaccessible for Deaf people, or a photo saying it is okay to talk or when someone do reach out they just pretend it’s not happening as it is just pressing SHARE to show that they are there for you.. Like most of the social media posts we see are just bullshit, big complete bunch of crap.

I often put on social media information about people with mental health and how we all can help in some ways, I keep saying that a text, a video call, or even coffee and cake with an offer to listen can make a big difference to the person who is suffering, to make them feel less alone, to let them know they will always be in their corner with a punch or two ready when needed. 

At each post I always say I like coffee and cake and yet no one ever say to me- Hey D, would you like some coffee, some cake and do you want to talk? I’m happy to listen.’ 

People I interact with don’t really notice how I feel, I don’t expect them to micro analyse everything I say or do but a simple ‘how are you’ would be a start. At times I feel like people forget that depression isn’t for a set period of time, or that seeing a therapist/taking tablets doesn’t mean I am coping. 

Being in a crowd can be really lonely, and at times I talk too much, I’m way too opinionated because I don’t know what to do, what to say to fit in, to make people feel comfortable with me.

I try to talk, people will often nod their heads then start watching other people’s conversations ignoring me maybe this isn’t on purpose but it hurt when I’m trying and I see their eyes glaze over and look somewhere else. 

It hurt when I realise they have made plans that doesn’t include you then invite you as an afterthought without any details. 

It hurt when at the end of the night you’re left alone to get a taxi home. 

It hurt when no one helps when I’ve realised I’ve forgotten my keys. 

It hurt when I’m sat at a bus stop crying and a stranger, not a friend try to comfort me. 

It hurt just being asked if I'm okay when it is clear I am not.

It hurt when someone offers to listen and ignore me.

It hurt when I build up the courage to say I’m struggling and get told to cheer up.

It hurt every single damn day when I blame myself for not being the way people want me to be, when I doubt myself, or when I’m trying to work out what am I doing wrong that people don’t realise and say something.

It hurts when I pick up the phone to call for help and get fucking hung up on.  Even when I’m writing this I’m thinking about how to spare people’s feelings, how to make them feel comfortable around this basket case loony.

And that is why I will always continue to pretend that I’m fine even when it hurts and I feel like I’m drowning but to make people feel better I will always say ‘Yes, I’m ok’.

It doesn't matter, I’m ok…