So! I’ve come out not as a gay person but as someone who suffer from mental health issues.
About one year ago I got diagnosed when a trip to the GP for a chest infection was taken up by me sitting down and crying for no reason. I wrote that I didn’t know what was happening and I just cry often. I would cry about nothing and burst out at the oddest moments. I don’t know if my parents noticed as I was holed up in my bedroom for a long period of time. I think 3 weeks of not going out of the house was my record.
The GP kindly said to me ‘right, without a doubt you are depressed. We will start you off on a low dose of anti- depressants to see how you go and come back in 2 weeks’ I recall being confused. How could just crying could lead to this? I started to picture scenes of me in a hospital locked away somewhere. I went to the chemist picked up my huge array of tablets; I had 2 infections at that time, viral and bacterial, and now more tablets to add on to my ever growing daily tablets I had to take.
I didn’t jump on the tablets at first, I hid it I my room so it would be out of sight and thought about it, after a few days of thinking about it some more. I eventually admitted to a friend about it. I got frustrated by the response I got ‘it’s up to you’ at that stage I couldn’t even decide whether to take a shower or what socks to wear. I think I can recall crying that I didn’t have any black socks. I slowly took the plunge and took a tablet. It was a huge anti-climax, I was expecting to be jumping off the walls, grinning like an insanely happy nutter but it wasn’t like that. It was take a tablet, swallow it and sit and wait I suppose.
My next trip to the GP, I had to fill out a CORE questionnaire, which is a questionnaire designed to quickly evaluate answers to see how someone is feeling that week. I then was asked a bunch of questions. My GP wrote them all down in advance for me. So I tried to answer the best I could.
‘How often do you cry?’ ‘Do the bad days outweigh the good?’ ‘Have you ever harmed yourself?’
I had to think long and hard, I explained that for a few years now I would have those moments of restless energy and be really fidgety and I couldn’t cope staying in a place for too long, I had to get away and go somewhere that I didn’t feel so closed in. I also had bad days where I would stay in my room and listen to music… ‘out here on my own’ by Irene Carr was one of them. Looking back I wonder how the HELL did my flatmates put up with that blasting out often and daily? I had lot of days where I would feel like I was in a dark pit and these episodes happened a lot. I didn’t know who to talk to or how to talk about it. I’m not going talk about how I response to the self-harming questions. It’s hard enough for me to talk about this.
I was referred to a waiting list for a counsellor which took 3 months and when I eventually met with him, clearly he wasn’t told I was Deaf but he was one of the nicest person I had met. We discussed the effects of the tablets and how I was feeling about it. I explained I was slowly noticing changes, I could finally think clearly as I haven’t had that kind of clarity for a long times I was able to decide on things properly and I was able to talk a bit more, see people as well. I noticed that little spring in my step when on my way to somewhere. I still had my bad days but I was able to do something about it instead of staying in bed.
A year on, I no longer stay in bed crying but I do have my days and I am still on the tablets. I decided I could cope with returning to university to finish my final year. I have to admit at times I’m doubtful I will finish. I go to counselling once a week with a lovely interpreter. It is hard for me to express how I feel, at the moment I’m working on finding out the trigger for this depression this bi-polar thingy I have. The sooner I face it the sooner I can slowly have more good days than bad. I have several friends who are there for me daily, and I’m grateful to know that they are on the other end of a text message or a short train journey if needed.
Why did I decide to talk openly about it after a long time? I was fed up of not being honest. And I was frightened of losing friends. I might do after this but I will be able to cope and think positively.
I am finding myself at the same time. I’m leaning what work for me. Everyone react to depression in different ways. I found a way that worked for me; this doesn’t mean it is the same for everyone else.
Sadly no one ever really get ‘cured’ but there are many ways to live with it. I urge you if you are depressed or know anyone who is. DON’T ignore them, support them and don’t keep it to yourself as it is draining and there are people out there to help.
http://www.signhealth.org.uk/ this is a charity devoted to Deaf people’s mental health well-being
http://www.nursing.manchester.ac.uk/bsliapttranslation/ a research project to see how mental services and be improved for deaf people using BSL
http://www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/bspace/CCC_FirstPage.jspa service in Scotland Supported by Deaf Connections providing BSL support.
Mental health is a taboo and hopefully one day it won’t be.
Fact: Collecting Lush helped me. I just like collecting nice smelly stuff.
