Hello!
I realised I haven’t written for a long time, despite being
encouraged by a few people including this university counsellor I have been
seeing for a while now. This entry is a brief sad summary of what had happened
since my last entry!
My last entry was in March, which means I must have been
crazy busy trying to finish my university course. I did well in my 3rd
year, which was a surprise for me as I always had struggled to complete or find
the right shape of mind, which is why I am so close to finishing the BA course
I started in 2004! I sadly failed one module, which was my dissertation, which means
I get to be a part time student again trying to complete my module in order to graduate!
I initially had hoped to finish by this month in order to graduate by February 2013
but I have been blighted by my own depression, which means I have been
blindsided yet again. I am so disappointed about this but I am aware that my
state of mind comes first before I really can move on and work. The university
is fine with me aiming to finish by May in time for September graduation (only
because it is a year-long module!).
I want to address my last post about my ‘coming out’ as
being someone who suffer from depression and anxiety, I really would love to
say I’m doing very wonderfully now but sadly I took a turn for the worse about
the end of September and once again returned to my bed.
A crappy summer and a combination of feeling quite let down
was a factor in this.
In my previous entries I talked about being part of the
organising team for IUK camp, this fell through due to unsuccessful funding
which was a great source of disappointment to me. Then I found out that I would
not be able to graduate as I failed one module (thank you very much to the
history dept. in uni who I swear doesn’t like me). I also was being emotionally
bullied at a work placement I was doing and just left suddenly one day and on
that same day I found out that someone I knew previously from my time in Nepal
had killed herself.
I was living alone at this point
and was extremely was looking forward to new flatmates who was due to move in
but alas let me know a few days before they moved in that they had moved
somewhere else instead. This affected me badly and I blamed myself for a long
time. Was I too keen? Too pushy? Or too weird?
So when September rolled around
again, I really was finding it hard to get out of bed to go to university as
with very little financial support which meant I had to be more careful with my
much needed trips what would help me to get out of my head for a bit.
I suddenly became very afraid to
go out after a bad experience when visiting London and suffered a lot from anxiety
attacks when I wanted to go out at nights which I avoided doing for a long
time. I slowly am getting there at going out at evenings again. I am not very
good at being around people in the Deaf community as I can get quite worked up
and tend to avoid people (sorry to a few people I did really want to see at the
reunion)
These were big contributing factors, to the slow slide that
was happening to me.
This might sound like a pitiful tale of woe but there were
good things that did happen to me!
I had an awesome time visiting Wales! I have a lovely bunch
of friends who I see from time to time for weekends away, Wales was one of them
and it was from this weekend I had the confidence to join NVQ level 3 BSL as I
would really like to qualify as a teacher for adults one day and teaching BSL
is one way of achieving that dream. I would like to do level 6 as I know I can
jump from level 3 easily to do that but it is so expensive and I only can
afford the local adult education centre for now.
I also had
the chance to visit Dublin, as this was the very first time of going without
any of my family being with me. I also went to the Irish film festival, which I
enjoyed extremely and won a fair few things!
I noticed
that after a weekend with these lovely friends I get the confidence for a wee
while to do things as I got out of my own head.
I also have
a new flatmate who is a quite interesting person, and I get on with her quite
well so now I have stopped feeling shitty about the previous people due to move
and am very glad they didn’t now!
I am dealing with depression the best way I can and know
how. One thing about going back to uni meant I could take up counselling again
and be able to talk freely about things I felt I couldn’t tell people about. I wasn’t able to have an interpreter due to
staffing issues in the university so my counsellor and I sat at a computer with
a blank word doc and when I started to type I found that I could say so much
more than I was able to with an interpreter so we agreed to forget having a
third person in the room.
I also visited the doctor again and cried buckets and
buckets, they was aware that I had been struggling for a while before deciding
that it was time to change my current anti- depressants to a different one. The
doctor wasn’t happy that I was putting on a lot of weight and told me that I
needed to exercise but that was too hard for me as I have issues going out, and
going to a gym is hard for anyone let alone a person with depression!
I’m not allowed to have high doses of anti-depressants as I
have suicidal tendencies, which is another story for some other time!
I have an appointment with the doctor today to discuss my
progress on the new tablets and also the results of a blood test too.
I promise my next entry will be a bit more positive :D
INTERESTING FACT: I have 5 tattoos not 4 as I have one that
I haven’t shown anyone yet! The only person who has seen it was the tattooist
himself!
P.S Feel free to ask me questions or leave comments. You can DM
me at my twitter.
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