Thursday, 6 December 2012

Saved by words


I’m back again, I really do like this writing lark but remember I do not claim to be a literary genius and there will be more likely be grammatical and spelling mistakes, as English is my third language.

My first language was Irish Sign Language (ISL), it is what my parents used at home along with some spoken English but hey who remember speaking their first word or doing their first sign as a wee lassie?
            When I moved to Scotland in 1988, I went to a local nursery with hearing children when my parents looked for a suitable school for me and one was found about 20 mins away from where we lived.
            I remember my first day, it is quite vague but I recall not really understanding people as the signs they used were different. This was British Sign Language (BSL), my preferred choice of communication for the next 20-ish years! I was an insufferable know-it-all and I still am to this day.
I have been called ‘Google’ a few times!

The third language i learnt? English clearly! 3 languages by the age of 5, impressive isn't it? 

I first fell in love with the written word at a young age as I was encouraged to read a lot and I was quite lonely a lot in primary school as I found it difficult to relate to people my own age and got on better with people older than me. I would go to the library every Saturday and pick up a lot of books (always up to the maximum allowance of 10!).
The main books that made me fall in love with the writing of Enid Blyton, everyone has read at least one of her books at one point, how could anyone not want to be in the Famous Five and explore the Kirrin Island, or be one of the Secret Seven solving mysteries? I recall reading St Clare and Malory Towers both was set in a girls’ boarding school and always wanted to partake in a midnight feast.
As I grew a bit older I started on Sweet Valley series, the Babysitting Club, Nancy Drew and many more! I did read a wide range of other fiction such as Tintin, the Hardy Boys and so on.
When I was 12, I did get to go to a boarding school! Sadly it wasn’t like the books, no midnight feasts- how disappointing but when I was much older some midnight drink feasts.  
I was isolated a lot when I was a teenager, I yet again found it really hard to fit in and escaped into my world of literary fiction, the school library had plenty of those and I get the feeling I must have worked myself through most of them!  I was introduced to more fiction and non-fiction when in my English lessons from year 7 and I stuck with the subject all the way up to A-level literature. I do own an impressive array of the classics with my favourite writers being Thomas Hardy, Shakespeare and much many more.
            Harry Potter is a classic series and it encourage thousands of children to read and it should be awarded the Knighthood on that merit alone! Sir Harry Potter is awesome!
Now I am much much older and less fussy about what I read, I could not stand biographies and other non-fiction at time bored me but after being introduced to Danny Wallace who is an incredibly funny writer as well Dave Gorman who has collaborated with Danny on his books.  This encouraged me to read more non-fiction, I have a strange mixture of people I like to read such as Gok Wan, Sir Alan Sugar and a anonymous staff member from Google!
            I now mainly read chick lit and have my own particular favourites but at times I will branch out to thrillers, mysteries, science fiction.. oh really anything that comes recommended yes even 50 shades of series and the (don’t judge me!) Twilight series. I also own a few cookery books!

Why am I talking about my reading choices? Well without all these books I have ever read have helped me to cope when things get too hard for me. Several books I have been able to empathise with during my life, there are often books that can match whatever stage I am going through- love, loss, trauma, despair and whatever range of emotions that is happening at the times. I will cry and I will laugh along with the characters in the books.
The last book that made me cry really hard is “Me Before You” by Jojo Moyes. 
Lou Clark knows lots of things. She knows how many footsteps there are between the bus stop and home. She knows she likes working in The Buttered Bun teashop and she knows she might not love her boyfriend Patrick.
What Lou doesn't know does she’s about to lose her job or that know what's coming is what keeps her sane.
Will Traynor knows his motorcycle accident took away his desire to live. He knows everything feels very small and rather joyless now and he knows exactly how he's going to put a stop to that.
What Will doesn't know is that Lou is about to burst into his world in a riot of colour. And neither of them knows they're going to change the other for all time.
I could empathise with both characters and easily be one of them. I would say more but that would be giving away the story! The author Jojo herself has a Deaf child which I didn’t know til I followed her on twitter @jojomoyes
There are some brilliant writers out there in their own genres and if anyone want a recommendation, just ask me!

My love of the written word is one of the biggest factors why I still am around. It is somewhere I can escape and hide until the storm (shitty time) is over and I can crawl out, all teary and snotty, my state of mind trying to pull all the pieces back together but I am still here

FACT: I think I have owned over 3 thousand books in my lifetime and have lost, misplaced, gave away, sold, split food & drinks, dropped in the bath and abused the books in so many ways and they are still there for me



           
            

A brief summary from an absent writer


Hello!

I realised I haven’t written for a long time, despite being encouraged by a few people including this university counsellor I have been seeing for a while now. This entry is a brief sad summary of what had happened since my last entry!

My last entry was in March, which means I must have been crazy busy trying to finish my university course. I did well in my 3rd year, which was a surprise for me as I always had struggled to complete or find the right shape of mind, which is why I am so close to finishing the BA course I started in 2004! I sadly failed one module, which was my dissertation, which means I get to be a part time student again trying to complete my module in order to graduate! I initially had hoped to finish by this month in order to graduate by February 2013 but I have been blighted by my own depression, which means I have been blindsided yet again. I am so disappointed about this but I am aware that my state of mind comes first before I really can move on and work. The university is fine with me aiming to finish by May in time for September graduation (only because it is a year-long module!).

I want to address my last post about my ‘coming out’ as being someone who suffer from depression and anxiety, I really would love to say I’m doing very wonderfully now but sadly I took a turn for the worse about the end of September and once again returned to my bed.

A crappy summer and a combination of feeling quite let down was a factor in this.

In my previous entries I talked about being part of the organising team for IUK camp, this fell through due to unsuccessful funding which was a great source of disappointment to me. Then I found out that I would not be able to graduate as I failed one module (thank you very much to the history dept. in uni who I swear doesn’t like me). I also was being emotionally bullied at a work placement I was doing and just left suddenly one day and on that same day I found out that someone I knew previously from my time in Nepal had killed herself.
I was living alone at this point and was extremely was looking forward to new flatmates who was due to move in but alas let me know a few days before they moved in that they had moved somewhere else instead. This affected me badly and I blamed myself for a long time. Was I too keen? Too pushy? Or too weird?
So when September rolled around again, I really was finding it hard to get out of bed to go to university as with very little financial support which meant I had to be more careful with my much needed trips what would help me to get out of my head for a bit.
I suddenly became very afraid to go out after a bad experience when visiting London and suffered a lot from anxiety attacks when I wanted to go out at nights which I avoided doing for a long time. I slowly am getting there at going out at evenings again. I am not very good at being around people in the Deaf community as I can get quite worked up and tend to avoid people (sorry to a few people I did really want to see at the reunion)

These were big contributing factors, to the slow slide that was happening to me.

This might sound like a pitiful tale of woe but there were good things that did happen to me!

I had an awesome time visiting Wales! I have a lovely bunch of friends who I see from time to time for weekends away, Wales was one of them and it was from this weekend I had the confidence to join NVQ level 3 BSL as I would really like to qualify as a teacher for adults one day and teaching BSL is one way of achieving that dream. I would like to do level 6 as I know I can jump from level 3 easily to do that but it is so expensive and I only can afford the local adult education centre for now.
            I also had the chance to visit Dublin, as this was the very first time of going without any of my family being with me. I also went to the Irish film festival, which I enjoyed extremely and won a fair few things!
            I noticed that after a weekend with these lovely friends I get the confidence for a wee while to do things as I got out of my own head.
            I also have a new flatmate who is a quite interesting person, and I get on with her quite well so now I have stopped feeling shitty about the previous people due to move and am very glad they didn’t now!

I am dealing with depression the best way I can and know how. One thing about going back to uni meant I could take up counselling again and be able to talk freely about things I felt I couldn’t tell people about.  I wasn’t able to have an interpreter due to staffing issues in the university so my counsellor and I sat at a computer with a blank word doc and when I started to type I found that I could say so much more than I was able to with an interpreter so we agreed to forget having a third person in the room.

I also visited the doctor again and cried buckets and buckets, they was aware that I had been struggling for a while before deciding that it was time to change my current anti- depressants to a different one. The doctor wasn’t happy that I was putting on a lot of weight and told me that I needed to exercise but that was too hard for me as I have issues going out, and going to a gym is hard for anyone let alone a person with depression!

I’m not allowed to have high doses of anti-depressants as I have suicidal tendencies, which is another story for some other time!

I have an appointment with the doctor today to discuss my progress on the new tablets and also the results of a blood test too.

I promise my next entry will be a bit more positive :D

INTERESTING FACT: I have 5 tattoos not 4 as I have one that I haven’t shown anyone yet! The only person who has seen it was the tattooist himself!

P.S Feel free to ask me questions or leave comments. You can DM me at my twitter.