Monday, 17 April 2017

It doesn't matter, I'm ok.

If you ever say to a Deaf person that it doesn’t matter, they will get rather frustrated and in some cases angry wanting to know what has been said.

When a clinically depressed person say it doesn’t matter to someone, it’s just left there hanging in the air the unspoken words yearning to be said out aloud. It just is left in this heavy box that seem to grow, weighing more and more on the shoulders, the chest making it so hard just to exhale deeply.

With the pressure of just breathing makes it feel like drowning, that it’s so difficult to break through that surface to inhale.

I’ve been struggling a lot, for what feels like eons, I have days where I cry a lot, days where I feel so bad, days where I would do anything to take away the pain. Days where I would do anything are the worse it’s like Atlas trying to hold the earth up daily and not having anyone to help to take that pain away for just a while.

It can be very hard for me to talk, to reach out and say ‘I’m having a hard time’ to people and sometimes I get ignored, or the topic get changed or that something will cheer me up which leave me feeling like all the time I’ve talked about myself, pushing myself to say something dismissed with careless words. I constantly feel like I’m on my own.  That I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me fight this massive Dementor that slowly eats away at my soul and leave me feeling cold, unloved everyday, never being able to feel that I can be warm again, that I can experience love and joy.

I see people putting posts on social media about suicide awareness and more than often the helplines numbers listed are for the wrong countries, inaccessible for Deaf people, or a photo saying it is okay to talk or when someone do reach out they just pretend it’s not happening as it is just pressing SHARE to show that they are there for you.. Like most of the social media posts we see are just bullshit, big complete bunch of crap.

I often put on social media information about people with mental health and how we all can help in some ways, I keep saying that a text, a video call, or even coffee and cake with an offer to listen can make a big difference to the person who is suffering, to make them feel less alone, to let them know they will always be in their corner with a punch or two ready when needed. 
At each post I always say I like coffee and cake and yet no one ever say to me- Hey D, would you like some coffee, some cake and do you want to talk? I’m happy to listen.’ 

People I interact with don’t really notice how I feel, I don’t expect them to micro analyse everything I say or do but a simple ‘how are you’ would be a start. At times I feel like people forget that depression isn’t for a set period of time, or that seeing a therapist/taking tablets doesn’t mean I am coping. 
Being in a crowd can be really lonely, and at times I talk too much, I’m way too opinionated because I don’t know what to do, what to say to fit in, to make people feel comfortable with me.
I try to talk, people will often nod their heads then start watching other people’s conversations ignoring me maybe this isn’t on purpose but it hurt when I’m trying and I see their eyes glaze over and look somewhere else. 
It hurt when I realise they have made plans that doesn’t include you then invite you as an afterthought without any details. 
It hurt when at the end of the night you’re left alone to get a taxi home. 
It hurt when no one helps when I’ve realised I’ve forgotten my keys. 
It hurt when I’m sat at a bus stop crying and a stranger, not a friend try to comfort me. 
It hurt just being asked if I'm okay when it is clear I am not.
It hurt when someone offers to listen and ignore me.
It hurt when I build up the courage to say I’m struggling and get told to cheer up.

It hurt every single damn day when I blame myself for not being the way people want me to be, when I doubt myself, or when I’m trying to work out what am I doing wrong that people don’t realise and say something.

It hurts when I pick up the phone to call for help and get fucking hung up on.  Even when I’m writing this I’m thinking about how to spare people’s feelings, how to make them feel comfortable around this basket case loony.

And that is why I will always continue to pretend that I’m fine even when it hurts and I feel like I’m drowning but to make people feel better I will always say ‘Yes, I’m ok’.


It doesn't matter, I’m ok… 




Wednesday, 14 September 2016

How to achieve a healthy mind with cupcakes..!


My summer and the strange weather seem to match me perfectly as I’m slowly recovering from my last breakdown, it was a really rough one and I seem to be doing better one day at a time. I finally am using the local Healthy minds service, I’ve just finished the 2nd session and I’m still not sure about the service as I’m not keen on the interpreter I have. I have requested to change interpreter after the 1st appointment but still had the same one for the 2nd apt which make it difficult for me as I feel that things I am trying to say are often lost in translation.

This is a real life example:

Therapist: ‘how are you feeling today? Could you find one word to describe your mood today?’
Me: 'I’m struggling to find the right word so i would say I feel like Deirdre if you get what I mean, I just feel like me’
Interpreter: ‘Deirdre’
Therapist: * looking confused* ‘Yes, but how are you feeling?’
Me: ‘I can’t find the right words to describe how I feel so I picked Deirdre as I feel it sums me up’
Interpreter: ‘I find it difficult to describe how I feel’
Therapist: ’try to find one word’
Me: ‘I did say my one word is Deirdre, * muttering to myself- for fucks sakes* I feel sad ok,’
Interpreter: ‘sad’

So this ‘lost in translation’ carried on for the rest of the appointment, which just made me feel frustrated and pissed off with the communication issues. I was not able to make my thoughts and feelings clear and the therapist was not able to understand me.

I got rather frustrated at the last appointment and told the therapist (who is lovely by the way) that I wanted someone who understood my background, my culture & community and could sign to me without a need for a third person.  The interpreter translated this into me having issues with being deaf…

Why can’t some sign language interpreters admit when they are out of their depth and give the job to someone else they know will suit me better?

FOR THE LOVE OF MOTHERFU.. ARGHHHHHH


How is this helping me to achieve a healthy mind when a bar of chocolate and a cup of decent coffee could do the job in 2 minutes!   

Don’t let my experiences put you off if you are thinking of using the healthy minds service, every service is different.

I am aware that some people might be thinking ‘ why doesn’t Deirdre just go for the BSL Healthy Minds service from Sign Health’. 
Well…
1.   My GP won’t refer for the service unless I complete the local healthy minds with an interpreter and have a statement from the therapist saying I would benefit better from a BSL service.
2.   I have contacted my nearest BSL healthy Minds service and asked for help to get me referred to the service I need, they was rather unhelpful despite my university mental health service contacting them asking for advice on how to support me and to get a referral to the right services for me. This went back and forth for a year, which meant I gave up.
So sadly my experiences with mental health services has not been that great, I know other deaf people whose experiences had been excellent and they are feeling much better.
One day I will have the BSL service I need and I will have a positive experience with the service.

UPDATE:

The bit above was written around late August and I thought I would add on an update. 

I have had 3 sessions so far and all with the same therapist and interpreter. I am getting more and more frustrated at times because I have to slow down and sign in SSE if I want the interpreter to translate what I am signing. I have asked for a change in interpreters but it doesn’t seem to bloody happen.

My last appointment was me basically being frustrated and tired of thinking of what to say in English so the interpreter can't get it wrong as at times I just want to be pure BSL and the therapist to get it without the interpreter losing the initial meaning when interpreting.

Another real life example-

The therapist told me that I should celebrate every achievement from getting out of bed to doing the washing up like having a cupcake, going to the cinema, getting a new pen etc.

I did this for a while but I was getting bored of celebrating son thought i would bring it up in the next appointment, so I explained to the therapist that I was getting tired of celebrating every time I achieved something and could I do it in one big celebration end of the day or week with a reward to make it more fun.
She looked confused and told me she didn’t mean to celebrate after every achievement but to do so end of the week or a very difficult day. I glared at the interpreter and thought to myself ‘thanks the fuck I didn’t take the cupcake reward suggestion too seriously.’
It would have gone like this: -

Got out of bed- yay one cupcake for breakfast!
Took a shower- yay another cupcake!
Put clothes on- whee another cupcake
Replied to messages/emails-  another fucking cupcake

You can see how it would have ended- me being a stone heavier in one week! 

Skull tealight holder (Paperchase)
I have to admit i now have an unhealthy collection of pens and maybe candles. 

Fact: I like candles, I have too many and I never seem to chuck away the empties. 
A snazzy shot